Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Sunday, 15 April 2007
A Comedy Sketch about 'Your mum'
In the UK, especially amongst young people, it is common to make a insulting joke starting with the phrase: "your mum is so poor she...".
Here is a comedy sketch and transcript about a woman trying to understand this type of joke (warning: it gets a bit rude at the end!):
A: What did Simon mean earlier when he said that thing about my mum and her fingers?
B: Oh that, that was a joke
A: Was it?
A: Oh
B: Y
A: Right
B: Or your mum is so poor she…
A: Shops at Sainsbury’s
B: No
A: Tesco
B: No
A: Asda
B: No
A: No But that’s where poor people shop
B: Yes I know it is
A: You told me you can get a can of beans for eight pence in Asda. I wonder if they know about that in Africa
B: You’re missing the point
A: Of course Africans can grow their own beans
B: No the point is not to be so literal. You can’t say your mum is so poor she shops in Asda, because that’s a fact
A: No it isn’t. My mum shops in Waitrose. Although if she’s got the car she goes to….
B: I don’t care where she shops. Look you are supposed to say something that clearly isn’t true.
A: Like
B: Like: your mum is so poor when she kicks cans down the street that’s her moving house and don’t say it isn’t true because I know it isn’t true, but that’s what makes it funny
A: Oh please just do it one more time and I swear I’ll get it
B: Ok Your mum is so poor she buys holes with socks in them
A: Well your mum smells of fish, wets herself and has a fanny like a bucket…was that funny?
B: For different reasons, yes it was
A: Ah, you know what they say, nothing’s so funny as the truth
B: (sigh)
A: What?! Well at least she doesn’t lick other peoples fingers..their faces yes but not their fingers.
Monday, 26 February 2007
Tongue Twisters
Tongue-Twisters
A tongue-twister is a sequence of words that is difficult to pronounce quickly and correctly. Even native English speakers find the tongue-twisters on this page difficult to say quickly. Try them yourself. Try to say them as fast as possible, but correctly!
A proper copper coffee pot.
Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascals ran.
Long legged ladies last longer.
Mixed biscuits, mixed biscuits.
A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer!
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled pepper?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper,
Where's the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked?
Pink lorry, yellow lorry.
Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.
She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore.
The sixth sick Sheik's sixth sheep is sick.
[Sometimes described as the hardest tongue-twister in the English language.]
Swan swam over the pond,
Swim swan swim!
Swan swam back again -
Well swum swan!
Three grey geese in green fields grazing.
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
A tongue-twister is a sequence of words that is difficult to pronounce quickly and correctly. Even native English speakers find the tongue-twisters on this page difficult to say quickly. Try them yourself. Try to say them as fast as possible, but correctly!
A proper copper coffee pot.
Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascals ran.
Long legged ladies last longer.
Mixed biscuits, mixed biscuits.
A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer!
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled pepper?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper,
Where's the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked?
Pink lorry, yellow lorry.
Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.
She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore.
The sixth sick Sheik's sixth sheep is sick.
[Sometimes described as the hardest tongue-twister in the English language.]
Swan swam over the pond,
Swim swan swim!
Swan swam back again -
Well swum swan!
Three grey geese in green fields grazing.
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
Wednesday, 21 February 2007
Thursday, 1 February 2007
Monty Python: 4 Yorkshiremen
The Four Yorskiremen
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
Aye, very passable, that, very passable bit of risotto.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
Nothing like a good glass of Château de Chasselas, eh, Josiah?
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
You're right there, Obadiah.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Who'd have thought thirty year ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Château de Chasselas, eh?
FIRST:
In them days we was glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.
SECOND:
A cup o' cold tea.
FOURTH:
Without milk or sugar.
THIRD:
Or tea.
FIRST:
In a cracked cup, an' all.
FOURTH:
Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
SECOND:
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
THIRD:
But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
FIRST:
Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness, son".
FOURTH:
Aye, 'e was right.
FIRST:
Aye, 'e was.
FOURTH:
I was happier then and I had nothin'. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
SECOND:
House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.
THIRD:
Eh, you were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in t' corridor!
FIRST:
Oh, we used to dream of livin' in a corridor! Would ha' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House? Huh.
FOURTH:
Well, when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.
SECOND:
We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake.
THIRD:
You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road.
FIRST:
Cardboard box?
THIRD:
Aye.
FIRST:
You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t' mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt.
SECOND:
Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
THIRD:
Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife.
FOURTH:
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
FIRST:
And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.
ALL:
They won't!
Aye, very passable, that, very passable bit of risotto.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
Nothing like a good glass of Château de Chasselas, eh, Josiah?
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
You're right there, Obadiah.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Who'd have thought thirty year ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Château de Chasselas, eh?
FIRST:
In them days we was glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.
SECOND:
A cup o' cold tea.
FOURTH:
Without milk or sugar.
THIRD:
Or tea.
FIRST:
In a cracked cup, an' all.
FOURTH:
Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
SECOND:
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
THIRD:
But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
FIRST:
Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness, son".
FOURTH:
Aye, 'e was right.
FIRST:
Aye, 'e was.
FOURTH:
I was happier then and I had nothin'. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
SECOND:
House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.
THIRD:
Eh, you were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in t' corridor!
FIRST:
Oh, we used to dream of livin' in a corridor! Would ha' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House? Huh.
FOURTH:
Well, when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.
SECOND:
We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake.
THIRD:
You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road.
FIRST:
Cardboard box?
THIRD:
Aye.
FIRST:
You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t' mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt.
SECOND:
Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
THIRD:
Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife.
FOURTH:
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
FIRST:
And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.
ALL:
They won't!
Sunday, 28 January 2007
Funny Packaging
This was the packaging for sausages in Ireland.
The funny thing here is that the word "prick" has 2 meanings.
The intended meaning is as an instruction: to prick (verb: propíchat), meaning that you should make holes with a fork
The second meaning is a description: prick (noun: curák) meaning he is a............
The funny thing here is that the word "prick" has 2 meanings.
The intended meaning is as an instruction: to prick (verb: propíchat), meaning that you should make holes with a fork
The second meaning is a description: prick (noun: curák) meaning he is a............
British Jokes
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
----------------------------------------------------------
What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?
2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
----------------------------------------------------------
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
----------------------------------------
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
----------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."
-------------------------------------------------------------
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?
He was already dead!
-------------------------------------------------------
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows have horns? Because their horns don't work!
------------------------------------------------------------
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress "Waitress," he said, "there's dirt in my coffee!". "That's not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
----------------------------------------------------------
What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?
2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
----------------------------------------------------------
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
----------------------------------------
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
----------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."
-------------------------------------------------------------
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?
He was already dead!
-------------------------------------------------------
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows have horns? Because their horns don't work!
------------------------------------------------------------
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress "Waitress," he said, "there's dirt in my coffee!". "That's not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Sunday, 19 February 2006
Saturday, 18 February 2006
Monty Python: Dead Parrot Sketch
The Pet Shoppe
Below is the Parrot Sketch with full transcript and definitions of some of the vocabulary used (see bottom)
Below is the Parrot Sketch with full transcript and definitions of some of the vocabulary used (see bottom)
A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: Sorry, we're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: Nah, nah, it's resting, look!.
C: Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no it's not dead, it's restin'!
C: Restin'?
O: Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, idn'it?
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nah, nah it's resting!
C: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Polly! I've got a nice cuttle fish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot...
(owner hits the cage)
O: There, it moved!
C: No, it didn't, that was you pushing the cage!
O: I did not!!
C: Yes, you did!
(takes parrot out of the cage yelling at the parrot)
C: 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! POLLLLLLYYY!!!
(thumps its head on the counter)
C: POLLY PARROT, WAKE UP!!
(thumps its head on the counter, again, and shakes it)
C: POLLY!!!
.(throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: Nah, no it's stunned!
C: Look, my lad, I've 'ad just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
O: Well, it's probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage! id'nit, squire?
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there, otherwise it would have nuzzled up to those bars, and VOOM!
C: Look matey
(picks up parrot)
C: This parrot wouldn't "voom" if I put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
O: It's not! It's pining!
C: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! This is a late parrot.
It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies!
Its run down the curtain and joined the choir invisibile!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
C: If you want anything done in this country you've gotta complain until you're blue in the mouth
(O takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: Does it talk?
O: Not really, no.
C: Well it's scarcely a replacement is it?
O: I'll tell you what, tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace your parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Alright
(The customer leaves.)
(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner has on a false moustache.)
C: Excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake moustache) No, it's Ipswich.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
(The customer goes to the train station.)
(He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)
C: I wish to make a complaint.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these to minutes.
C: Well, I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.
A: Nah, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop owner's brother was lying!!
A: Well, you can't blame British Rail for that.
C: If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop!
(He does.)
C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yeah?
C: Well, you told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: Nah, no...not a pun...What's the other thing that reads the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah,...yeah.
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
O: Look, what do you want?
C: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, silly, silly, silly,...Right, get on with it...get on withit!!
Vocabulary
lad: a boy or youth
matey: a friend or a form of address
plumage: the covering of feathers on a bird
stunned: filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock
deceased: no longer living; dead.
shagged out: very tired
squawk: a harsh abrupt scream, a loud screech (the noise a parrot makes)
to pine: to have a nostalgic desire
to nuzzle up: to push up to or rub someone or something with the nose
voom: a noise that something makes when it moves very fast
demised/passed on: dead
a stiff: a dead person
pushing up the daisies: phrase meaning that he is dead
I get the picture: I understand the situation
a slug: it is similar to a snail, but without the shell
a pun: a humorous play on words
Friday, 10 February 2006
Euro English
EuroEnglish
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": --In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaning "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
British Puns (Warning: rude)
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
****************
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
****************
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits"
*****************
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest
way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.
*********************
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
**************************
Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes ... 'You're fucking crackers.'
*****************************
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
**********************
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
***********************
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking
money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
***********************
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
*************************
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
*****************************
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
************************************
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?" He said , "My dog's died.'"
***************
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went
back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
******************************
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"
*****************************
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
********************************
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'
***********************************
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
**************************************
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
*******************************
****************
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
****************
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits"
*****************
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest
way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.
*********************
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
**************************
Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes ... 'You're fucking crackers.'
*****************************
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
**********************
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
***********************
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking
money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
***********************
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
*************************
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
*****************************
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
************************************
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?" He said , "My dog's died.'"
***************
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went
back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
******************************
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"
*****************************
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
********************************
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'
***********************************
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
**************************************
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
*******************************
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